Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
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My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!