Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
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Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
HELP 😭
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
