Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
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Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.