Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
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When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
