Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.