Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

Stick it to the man

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

LOL

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic