Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

Well, that didn’t work.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay