Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again