Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

a New Yorker reject, for you

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.

I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.