[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
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Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
how high up are we talkin’?
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*