Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

and this one