Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

Penguins walking in 5x speed

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram