[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
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me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.