Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.

*Unfrenches your fries*

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

You saw nothing. I am ham.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one