You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
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My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Seems kinda suspicious
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.