Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

Nice try, NASA

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.