*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
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“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.