Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
According to math, I’m broke
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”