Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
You Might Also Like
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I don’t believe him.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism