Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

#TopTip

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

spot the difference

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.