Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together