Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
just arby’s bein’ a bro
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
the worm is coming from inside the brain