Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
I don’t know what to do
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Worth a try
