Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

I think I’m gonna be sick

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.