Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
OKAY DAD
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.