Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem