Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid