Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

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Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”


*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*


I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.


Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.


-Joe’s coming over.
“Joe from work or Joe who thinks he’s the Norse god, Thor?”
[the distant sound of thunder makes the guacamole quiver]


My dog just puked on the floor.

Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!


My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.