Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
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Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
This thread gets better every time I read it
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Hotel California manager: oh no
-Joe’s coming over.
“Joe from work or Joe who thinks he’s the Norse god, Thor?”
[the distant sound of thunder makes the guacamole quiver]
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!
I like the way this kid thinks!
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.