Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
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My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.