Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.