Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here