Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
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(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.