Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
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Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
This probably isn’t good
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend