Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.