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My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed