You Might Also Like
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
“i miss shittin on people”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this