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*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?