Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.