Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

yeah 😭

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

Does your wife know you’re single?

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”