Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]

Me: Oh. You’re staying?

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?