Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew