[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
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*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.