cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
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God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
look scared
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
There is no try. There is only give up.