cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
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Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
How animals would run if they were human
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Our lord and savoury.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
We need more people like this.
philosophical skeletons be like
