Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello, my name is Pierre.

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense