Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?

Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]