*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
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I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
😅😅😅
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.