*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
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Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*