*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
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British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I might give this a try 😏
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”
“You should have asked for shaved ice.”
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids