*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
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People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Me too 😆
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Expectations vs. Reality
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida