Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*