Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.