Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Risking my life for fun.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much