cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
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I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
what it’s like dating me:
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.