Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.