Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else