I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
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I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system