Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

roses are red
i fall when i skate

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!