Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
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I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I think this might be relevant today.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.