Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
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I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts