Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
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Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Not today.. 😂
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.