Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
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[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Dumplings,
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.