Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
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My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets