cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
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I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.