Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

Sorry not sorry.

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.