Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?