[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
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If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?