Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
You Might Also Like
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Wednesday
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine