Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

new record!

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

Sooo many times…..

The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz