Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
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Does beer think about me too?
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
I’m literally crying
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!