Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.