Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

They’re really bad with fonts.

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car