Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

Travel bloggers during quarantine

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.