Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

These work great until they don’t.

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.