Cool shirt 🙂
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Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house