Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.