Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
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therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
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