Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again

Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver