Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
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Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.